Heartache Once Again (Is this my goodbye?)
Just when I thought everything is over and turning better, again the dark mist slowly covering my soul. Maybe looks can be very deceiving.
I became happy because I have overcomes hindrances. Became happy because I always think that there are always positive things but am afraid not.
People are very deceiving but I have deceived not. I have not been deceived but rejected.
I want to be positive always, has been rarely that for the past three or four years, the happiness that I have felt and possessed, I have worked for or I have tried to prove in vain… nothing is ever what it seems or turns out to be, its not like you can put happiness in a container and just hand it to someone who is miserably and lonely… though I wish God would let us do so.
We all have our destinies and I have that perhaps I never lived it up to mine, to those that I have left behind, I am so sorry, I promise to be forever be with you and I pray that no one except those that have betrayed me will feel guilty of my death (If I will, for only those who betrayed me have brought me here.
I’m so tired of being in one’s arms one moment and then being left and crying on my bed the next… I’m tired of hearing that “things will get better”… well it doesn’t, things never get better! How long must I try to strive before people realize that my pain is real, just because I don’t break down and cry in front of someone’s eyes doesn’t mean that I don’t feel pain every damn second of the day?
Sleep, my slumber is awakened by images of death that I saw with my father, it pains me to relive every moments that I try my hardest to forget, I’m tired of being rejected by the people whom I love, they are a main source to my pain, and Guys…I won’t even go there… to feel the betrayal and lost of my recent love, has brought me into a deep depression that I tried so hard to come out of. I didn’t have a voice in this life, my cries for help were unheard, a part of me didn’t want them to be silenced, yet I didn’t want to become the attention of such chaos, there was enough of that in my life and I’d rather die than have my family know that I went to the “crazy house.”
So I watched a movie were a girl who is betrayed by the love of her life went into her father’s closets, grabbed his gun and placed it in her mouth and ended her pain, her mom found her on the couch, blood everywhere and a note recovered in her pocket that said “I died for you just like Christ died for us, please pray that God will forgive me, I love you and I am sorry”… and so, Do I need to do exactly what the girl did?
For others to feel, what I feel? Just for others to understand me? Just for others just to love me?